27 July 2025

Authentic Communication: Speaking Your Truth in Conflict

Most of us learned communication patterns during conflict that are either too aggressive (attacking) or too passive (avoiding). But there is a third way: authentic communication that honors both yourself and others.

Level 5 of the Seven Levels framework is about finding your voice - not the voice that wins arguments or keeps the peace, but the voice that speaks your truth with care and listens for understanding rather than ammunition.

Beyond the Communication Patterns That Do Not Work

Let's be honest about how most of us were taught to communicate during conflict:

Aggressive Communication: "You never listen! You're so selfish! This is ridiculous!"

Feels powerful in the moment but damages relationships
Focuses on attacking rather than expressing needs
Usually makes others defensive, not receptive

Passive Communication: "I guess it's fine... whatever you want... it doesn't matter..."

Feels "nice" but builds resentment
Avoids conflict but does not resolve anything
Creates distance instead of connection

Passive-Aggressive Communication: "Fine, I'll do it myself... again" heavy sigh

Expresses frustration indirectly
Confuses rather than clarifies
Damages trust through indirect hostility

None of these approaches create the understanding needed for real resolution.

The Elements of Authentic Expression

1. Truth-Telling Without Attack

Authentic communication starts with expressing your genuine experience without making others wrong or bad. It is the difference between:

"You're being controlling!" vs. "I'm feeling constrained and need more autonomy"
"You don't care about this relationship!" vs. "I'm feeling disconnected and miss our closeness"

2. Ownership Language

Taking responsibility for your experience rather than attributing it to others:

"You made me angry" vs. "I felt angry when that happened"
"You're confusing me" vs. "I'm having trouble following this"
"You always..." vs. "I've noticed a pattern where..."

3. Specific Observations vs. Interpretations

Separating what actually happened from the story you are telling about it:

"You were 30 minutes late" vs. "You don't respect my time"
"You didn't respond to my text" vs. "You're ignoring me"
"You spoke loudly during that conversation" vs. "You were yelling at me"

4. Feelings vs. Thoughts

Learning to identify and express emotions rather than disguising thoughts as feelings:

Actual feelings: sad, angry, afraid, excited, lonely, grateful
Thoughts disguised as feelings: "I feel like you don't understand me" (thought), "I feel misunderstood" (feeling)

5. Needs vs. Strategies

Expressing what you need rather than demanding specific solutions:

Strategy: "You need to apologize to me!"
Need: "I need acknowledgment that my feelings were hurt."
Strategy: "We have to talk about this right now!"
Need: "I need to feel heard and understood."

The Art of Conscious Listening

Authentic communication is not just about speaking - it is equally about listening in ways that create space for understanding:

Listen to Understand, Not to Win

Most of us listen just long enough to find something we can disagree with or use as ammunition. Conscious listening means genuinely trying to understand the other person's experience from their perspective.

Reflect Before Responding

Before offering your opinion or rebuttal, reflect back what you heard: "So it sounds like you're feeling frustrated because you need more clarity about expectations. Is that right?"

Ask Curious Questions

"What's most important to you about this?"
"What would need to change for you to feel good about this situation?"
"Help me understand why this matters so much to you."
"What are you most worried would happen if we did it differently?"

Language That Opens vs. Language That Closes

Language That Closes Possibility:

Always/never statements: "You always interrupt me!"
Character attacks: "You're so selfish!"
Mind-reading: "You think you're better than me!"
Threats: "If you don't... then I will..."
Comparisons: "Why can't you be more like..."

Language That Opens Possibility:

Specific observations: "When I got interrupted during that conversation..."
Personal experience: "I felt hurt when..."
Curiosity: "I'm wondering if..."
Both/and thinking: "I can see this is important to you, and I also need..."
Future focus: "What would work better next time?"

The Power of Vulnerability

Real breakthrough in communication often happens when someone becomes genuinely vulnerable - sharing their fears, hurts, or needs without defending or attacking. Vulnerability requires courage because it feels risky, but it is incredibly powerful for creating connection.

Examples of authentic vulnerability:

"I'm scared that if I'm honest about this, you'll leave."
"I feel like I'm failing at this and I don't know how to do better."
"I miss feeling close to you and I don't know how to get that back."
"I'm worried that my needs don't matter to you."

When Communication Gets Stuck

Sometimes even our best communication efforts hit walls. Common stuck patterns include:

The Broken Record: Going in circles, repeating the same points

The Trigger Loop: Each person's words trigger the other person's reactivity

The Different Languages: You are using completely different meanings for the same words

The Past Focus: Getting stuck rehashing old hurts instead of focusing on current needs

When communication gets stuck, shift focus:

From content to process: "I notice we keep going in circles. What's happening here?"
From past to future: "What would we need to change going forward?"
From positions to underlying needs: "What do we both really need here?"

Practice Exercises

This Week, Try:

The 24-Hour Rule: When you are triggered, wait 24 hours before responding. Use that time to identify your actual feelings and needs.
The Ownership Check: Before difficult conversations, ask yourself: "What am I making this person responsible for that is actually my experience?"
The Curiosity Challenge: In one conversation, ask three genuine questions before sharing your own perspective.
The Reflection Practice: Practice reflecting back what you hear before responding: "Let me make sure I understand..."

The Transformation

When you develop authentic communication skills, something shifts in all your relationships. People start trusting you more because they know you will be honest without being cruel. Conflicts resolve more quickly because you are addressing the real issues instead of surface positions. And you feel more aligned because your external expression matches your internal experience.

Authentic communication is both an art and a skill that deepens with practice. It is one of seven levels that create complete conflict resolution, all detailed in "Resolving from Within" available at resolvingfromwithin.com. For those ready to master these communication skills professionally, our trainings provide extensive practice at conflictintelligencetraining.com/trainings.

Your voice matters. Learning to use it authentically - with both truth and care - is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself and your relationships.

Namaste, my Friend 🙏

Ian

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